i'm often caught wondering if it's even worth living anymore. my one reason to live took herself from me a while ago... my grandparents tell me i'm a worthless piece of shit... my grades have failed out entirely... i just don't see what's here to live for. every time i try to analyze my life, and see what i could do, i see nothing.

i've been having dreams of Dana, and suicide... mostly, i'm dead in these dreams. i can't do anything to fix these feelings. i've tried. all i do is fuck other peoples lives up, or make my own worse. i just kinda wish someone would kill me.

i often think about going out to the back porch, unlocking one of my grandfather's gun cabinets, and sticking the barrel of a good ol' .45 or a 12 guage into my mouth, and just pulling the trigger. i envy the dead, and the peace they have, the wonderful serene peace of death, my worries forgotten, and my problems resolved. i want that. i want it bad.

someone help me... i don't know what to do... all i want to do is die.